Should You Get Back Together with an Ex?
5 min read · 中文版
After a breakup, your ex suddenly says they want to try again, or you can't stop thinking about them yourself. Getting back together can be a good choice, or a way of repeating old pain. A few questions are worth thinking through before you decide.
Why did you break up?
Was it something external, like distance, a job move or bad timing? Or incompatible personalities, different values, repeated fights or hurt?
When outside circumstances caused the split, there's often a better basis for trying again; if the core problem hasn't changed, you'll probably meet it again.
Has anything really changed?
Look at actions, not just promises: do they see the problem, and have they made concrete changes? Have your own thoughts and expectations changed too?
Ask yourself as well: do you want this person, or are you afraid of being alone or missing what's familiar?
When it's best not to
If the relationship involved violence, control or repeated deceit, or they only "win you back" after you leave and then return to old ways, protect yourself.
See our guide to relationship red flags, and talk to a friend you trust if you need to.
If you decide to try again
Talk honestly about what went wrong last time and agree what you'll do differently: how you'll communicate and handle disagreements.
Take it slowly; you don't need to go straight back to how things were. Give each other time to rebuild trust.
Frequently asked questions
How long after a breakup is it OK to get back together?
There's no set time. More important than time is whether you've both thought it through calmly and whether the problems have changed.
My ex got in touch out of the blue. Do they want to get back together?
Not necessarily; it may be nostalgia, boredom or curiosity about how you are. If you don't want to try again, keep a polite distance.
We got back together and still argue. What now?
If the same problems keep returning, you may genuinely not fit on something important. Consider couples counselling together, or think seriously about the relationship.
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